Lightbulb Moment….

Just had to put this out there whilst I’m still reeling from the physical shock of understanding the exact source of many of my insecurities…(and breathe!)

After my 2 new postings yesterday, I had a quick look to see if anyone had read them (ie: the stats) and blow me down with a feather, there were 2 new followers. (Thank you both, I have duly reciprocated.)

When I took a peek at who was following me, imagine my surprise when I came across the antitheses of who I imagined I was – yet when I read Shannon’s bio, I became totally enthralled by how similar we seemed to be. Her very interesting blog is: The Introvert Collective. (highly recommended too)

That’s because in reality, It seems I am an introvert! I touched upon it yesterday but thought perhaps it was just a small part of me. Nope! It describes who I have always been – covered up by who I thought I was or wanted to be – an extrovert!

Have you ever considered that your daily stresses and strains might be because you were trying to be something or someone else? Well I have. Parties really take it out of me. I can get really ill and agitated both before and after entertaining a whole bunch of people, as happened to me last December actually when I organised my Mum’s 80th birthday party – Rat Pack style!

You see, I’m also a perfectionist, so it just had to be spot-on (like my Dad’s 007 themed party 10 years ago).

Annual BBQ’s to commemorate our dear departed end in me being totally exhausted to the point of self-destruction. I kid you not!!!!!

So, having just come face to face with this new side of my personality, I’ll go away and digest it for a wee while. When I come back, my next post will most likely contain some more pointers about my key attributes and how I see these working to my advantage/disadvantage. You might be a little intrigued….I know I am! 🙂

See you on the flipside and as always, thanks for reading/following/generally being interested.

A. xxx

Hello

Hello World

 So, you want to know a bit more about me do you? You wouldn’t have clicked on this page otherwise, so I have to assume you’re curious about more than just some daft idea for a blog. 🙂

Where do I start? So the song goes, at the very beginning, but that was decades ago. Long enough actually for me to have built up a whole bunch of insecurities without realising it!

Being Insecure

I call these insecurities ‘Walls’, not Walls Ice Cream, but those house-like things that usually keep people in – or in this case, out! Because every one of my insecurities tends to push people away – or at least they try to. Some people actually know what’s behind the troublesome attitude and love me for that. This is when a little hole appears in a particular insecurity and starts to break it down.

So you see, my insecurities are not permanent, they have been with me a long while, however I do know they serve me somehow, and I can decide to release them, when I have the vital antidote I’m searching for.

What’s my antidote? Why it’s love of course! Self-love and love of others. There is so much of it out there and inside of me, it’s just locating the key, the missing link or whatever you might call it. My challenge is also identifying why I have so much of it hidden inside of me and not allowing some people access to it. I feel quite selfish sometimes! I’m just insecure in reality.

 Being a Nutter

I’ve been called many things; Mad, Nuts, Crazy, Bonkers….I could carry on…..

Why? Because although I have a tendancy to be quiet and introvert, I also have a wacky flipside – kind of going from one extreme to another. So at a party, I could turn up quiet and shy, looking around desperately for someone I know to latch onto, then halfway through, my face is alight and probably red and damp with excitement as I’ll probably have found the happiest people there who love to dance.

There are occasions where I become animated for no reason other than I am passionate about a certain topic being discussed. My eyes pop and I smile like the joker. I may even rise out of my quiet zone and shatter someone’s illusion of me. It’s been done! My face is very open and I can’t usually hide my feelings. Sometimes this is a blessing, sometimes a curse! The furrowed brow is a good example – of what you don’t want someone to see when you are thinking WTF!!!!!

I’m no poser – I don’t do standing around with a straight face – unless someone has annoyed me – but then, my face would show annoyance rather than being ‘flat’.

Sometimes I remain in the quiet zone all evening. Depends on who I found to chat to – or not!!!

So you see, I’m a little unpredictable – hence being called a Nutter. I’m happy with this side of me!

Signing Off…

Consider taking me with you on your journey this year as I attempt to find all my insecurities and blast holes in them for the sake of love….and peace. I may be a passionate whirling twirling dervish, but I do like some peace, quiet and calmness in my life; the introspective order makes the extroverted side of me a tad saner, so it’s marginally acceptable!!

See you – or perhaps your comments – on the blog as it unfolds. Thank you for following me. 🙂

Andrea.

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About Us

I am an ‘Us’ – yes, someone does love me – and I’m proud of it too.

We are a family of 3 actually, as the other half of my adult household and I are bringing up a child. It’s not complicated, but it is intertwined with sadness.

‘Our’ teenage boy is not the product of our frantic fumblings (attempting to be lighthearted here!) but is our Nephew, as my wonderful man’s Sister tragically passed away in early 2011.

Together, we co-parent this vibrant soul and as you might imagine, my fears of ‘not being good enough as a stand-in Mum’ are exponential!

For me and on a personal note, I am one half of a couple who wants this beautiful child to grow in the ways his Mum would love, as well as him being and feeling free to establish his own journey. Yet not being his Mum, not feeling secure in my stand-in role and not wanting to offend or be offended by any of the family’s wishes or perspectives, I am still finding my way.

I would love to have given birth to a child myself, but that wasn’t to be. Instead, it seems the Universe has decided that I take on a different role. It’s challenging as differing family values can sometimes emerge, with heated consequences. I feel I am being watched or judged by some, and not necessarily with kindness!

On the flipside, because there always is one, I do know I am loved and supported by close friends and family members who have my best interests at heart. They know I have taken on a huge responsibility with wholeheartedness and that I don’t regret my decision. This is what life is all about. You help others in need unconditionally! There’s gold in our selfless actions too.

Judge me – or don’t. Like me or don’t. I am sure there are some who wish I hadn’t been born – or more likely that I had died instead of my sister-in-law! It really doesn’t affect me so long as I am in my integrity. I know from my own insecurities that those who judge me are really looking in the mirror and judging their own insecurities. I only hope they realise this some day!

The most important aspect of my life is that I stay in my integrity; that is, I love those I say I love, I listen to the needs of those I love with my heart not my head, and I lovingly care for and cherish my overwhelmed heart so as not to lose faith when things go belly up!

 

Go figure and see you on the flipside! 🙂

Andrea. xx

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Introducing the Nutter…

Hello and welcome to the open and honest writings of a complete nutter…oh yes, an insecure nutter at that!

Having hidden behind a smiley face/facade for an eternity, I have decided to emerge from my chrysalis and share what troubles me – and also how I’m dealing with it.

This could get messy, but I hope you will benefit from my honesty and cheer me onward and upward as I take 2015 by storm and change my habits.

Do support me where you feel able and criticise me where I deserve it. I can’t feel any more pain than I already have!

Thank you for your own honesty and sharings.

Oh, and here’s wishing you a productive 2015 too. xx

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My Honest and Open Challenges